Workouts

If you’ve completed any of the Workouts that appear in Read Me, please send them to Gyles  (gyles.lingwood@gmail.com) and he’ll post them here for other readers to enjoy.

Lesson One, Workout One
Why everyone should commit an imprisonable offence some time in their life

Writer: James Pettecrew
How many career criminals are in the wrong job – tensely clock watching until they race off for their first breath of sweet freedom in the company car park, the success of their day judged by whether they are first out of the gate?  Is there a Ronnie Biggs in your accounts department?  A Reggie Kray in Goods Receiving? A Marketing Clyde who could mix it up with HR’s own Bonnie? We rightly teach children to follow their dreams. But what if that dream involves turning over that bookies on the high street or TWOC’ing a high performance BMW for a taste of the high life?

True crime TV, ghoulish rubberneckers and journalists the world over are being needlessly starved of material – and at what cost? Wake up, people: a forgotten and forlorn criminal cadre is being lost to us. We are living in a world where most current lawbreakers do so out of necessity – poverty being the prime factor but let’s not forget the importance of poor role models like the Presidents of FIFA and the USA.

Everyone deserves the opportunity to give crime a go.  The quality of future criminals depends on it. Mark my words: granting immunity for everyone’s first offence would transform this country.  Time to find out if defying legislation is your vocation!

Writer: James Brown
Close your eyes and think about the last time you found something that you thought was lost forever? Do you remember the hours, days and weeks of pain as you tried to find it?

It doesn’t matter if it was your wedding ring or a £5 note. The feeling you had as you spotted that missing item would have been the same. That relief and the rush of adrenaline quickly unties the knot in your stomach.

Now imagine losing your freedom and not knowing when you will have it again. Bang. The cell door closes.

The moment will come when the cell door opens and the warden says ‘you’re free to go’.

Now imagine how good you will feel for the following hours, days and weeks as you find everything that you lost during your time in prison.

Writer: Honor Clement-Hayes
Morality is the measurement of good against bad. We have an easy game with morality: it is largely dictated to us by the law, by society, and by our parents.

It’s inherited, with not much conscious decision-making involved. So are you really a good person if you’re just following the rules?

I put to you that making a conscious decision to do the wrong thing (wrong legally, socially and morally) will cause you to question your inherited comprehension of ‘good and bad’, and allow you to choose the right thing mindfully. One more time with feeling, we could say.

I’ve done it. Not a day has passed since that I haven’t thought of it. It instilled in me a healthy fear of the law and broke my belief in my own immortality. Useful lessons for a teenager.

My only advice: do it while you’re young. Breaking the law is much less cute when you’re 45 and caught with a packet of Richmond sausages in your briefcase.

Writer: Etan Yravas
Because if you don’t, you’ll never know what it’s like to lose it. You’ll never appreciate the fresh air you’re breathing right now —  air you take for granted. Simply because your conscious mind, it doesn’t worry about breathing. But your subconscious mind? Runs the show. And that’s who got you into this mess. Yes, “who”. You’d think it was like a little person in there. Mind of its own. What it learned from your childhood? Picked up from your ‘rents? Got programmed to believe by society? All that led you here. But, in your defense, you had no control. Again, mind of its own. It’s just too bad you did what you did. But think about this: aren’t you glad? That you did it? You wouldn’t have learned how to get past that thing. You know which one I’m talking about. The thing you were running from without realizing you were fucking sprinting. And when it finally caught up to you and you had to confront it? You learned what was waiting on you (and your subconscious) this entire time. So even though it’s led to some really bad headaches. And even though most people wouldn’t wish it on anyone but their worst enemy. YOU know it’s value. And how, sometimes, that naughty little thing gives you everything you need to know to know what it’s like to WIN it.

(And keep it)

Writer: Javed Imthiaz
Have you not been to jail yet? What a shame. The thrill of an imprisonable offence is a lifetime’s experience that no person worth their salt would give a miss. It is an absolute must on your bucket list if you’ve got one made for living on the earth. I mean, really living. Not surviving like cockroaches and rats off what remains of the fun that more vivacious people have had. More than sixty percent of imprisoned offenders will tell you – and nobody else will tell you – of the quiet thrill of getting caught, being handcuffed and forced into a police car, questioned in a station, and getting thrown in a cell with scary stone-faced strangers. It is the final word in legally sanctioned masochism, and boy, is it fun for the darkest insides of your soul. And what’s better, commit the offence and get away with it. You know you’ll be hunted like a fox, and caught and skewered like a dead rabbit. But you also know it is fun to be chased, and you know you’re the possessor of a racy life story. What are you waiting for? There’s so much you can do right away.

OR

You’re the owner of a racy life story
From the moment you commit this crime
That would land you in a jail full of
Characters
Unlike any you ever met
And get a chance to find out
What really got them in there
And find out what
Keeps them alive
And find out other things
You never wanted to find out.
And write it all
Into the story of your life.
But of course, if you can hold off
The getting caught bit
Your story would be racier
Without apologies
Without safety
With a thrilling chase
Adding flavour to this story
That you tell your mates
As you turn into
A great character yourself.
Become a great character. Go to jail.

Writer: Nuriyah Johar

Philosophy 101
Why are you here? No, not here, on this website – we know the answer to that, it’s cause you have good taste. We mean, why are you HERE? On this planet, in human form. Sentient. Self-aware. Sarcastic.

Surely, you didn’t ask for this. To be born into a world defiled by greed, corruption and white boys named Jimothy. You just came to be, no consent involved. And now you’re trapped here. The world is your jail cell, and your warden’s the Grim Reaper. Now, since requesting the warden for a quick release isn’t something we advocate unless your name is Jimothy, we recommend the next best thing.

Earn your place in this prison. You’re here now, you might as well deserve it. Kidnap that kid napping. Go streaking. Run that pyramid scheme. Run that fraudulent corporation. Run that cocky boss of yours over with his car. You’re only limited by your imagination. Let the world, once a jail cell, be your oyster.

Writer: Jules Graham
‘Broetry Ego Masturbation’ – official health warning issued by the Ministry for Health
In the last few weeks, the UK has experienced a pandemic of LinkedIn broems. Experts are warning this virulent strand of ego masturbation, which first appeared in entrepreneur forums in the US, is highly contagious.

What to look out for
– Odious posts made up of single-line paragraphs in the guise of an inspirational message
– Blatant self-gratification
– Crusty, stained or worn off Enter/Return key markings

How to contain an outbreak
– Quarantine the infected person in their home by changing the locks when they’re asleep. As an additional precaution, delete all their virus-infested social media accounts.
– Spray the word ‘pillock’ over their car in whipped cream. This doesn’t do much to prevent the outbreak spreading but it does make you feel a lot better inside.

How to protect yourself
– Wash your hands regularly and coat all keyboards in disinfectant to stop any transfer of faux inspirational messages.
– Get vaccinated against broetry at your GP if you’re aged 21-41 and therefore more at risk.
– If you’re unable to delete a LinkedIn connection because the infected person is your boss, make sure you wear a cockerel design baseball cap at every meeting to remind them what an insufferable prick they are.

Writer: Kyri Savva
Normal is boring.

Chances are you are reading this on a device you own, paid for by your hard-earned cash from your normal job with its normal pay and same old normal, boring routine.

Yawn.

You know what isn’t boring? Crime. Crime holds in a day enough action to brighten up your entire year. Crime does indeed pay, and it does it much better than your daily magnolia slog of a ‘normal’ job. The salary is through the roof, and the job perks include excitement, variety, the most flexi of flexi-hours and strong job satisfaction.

Think about it.

What’s more exciting and stimulating? The thrill of robbing a small branch of yet another moral-lacking multinational (they deserve it, they can spare it), outsmarting the authorities and not worrying about money for months. Or spending hours at the weekend researching a dishwasher within your never-as-high-as-you-wish budget. Review after review, disappointment after disappointment, bore after bore. Which of these will be more beneficial to your mental health and general well-being? Easy choice.

Yes, you might get caught.

But there’s no better character-building (and meeting of characters) experience than a stretch inside. It’ll toughen you up a bit and earn that respect from others you’ve always wanted.

And another thing.

Unlike that soul-destroying regular job, you don’t need an interview to climb back onto the crime career ladder once you’re out. Not even a CV and covering letter. Think of the hours saved.

Normal? You deserve more than normal.

Writer: Brendan Staunton
When you think about it, there are two ways to do a thing in this life. You can either take the time to learn how to do it properly – and then do it. Or you can learn how to do something by simply having a go at it until you get it right.

And, I don’t know about you, but my preference is for the second way.

Whether it’s trying out new software, learning a new skill or finding salami in a strange supermarket, I like to get stuck in, get a bit lost and gradually figure things out.

Of course, there are exceptions that even I must abide by: learning to drive a car, for example. But, overall, my way has usually been fine. And the highway? Well, perhaps that’s why I still can’t drive.

That’s also the reason that I believe everyone should commit an imprisonable offence some time in their life. Because otherwise, I’m not sure how it’s possible to live at all.

I’ve probably committed several down the years. 

 I mean, have you seen how much law there is in the UK? Must we all spend our formative years with our noses stuck inside dreary volumes of legal statutes?

And don’t get me started on foreign lands where you can be imprisoned for anything from cross-dressing (United Arab Emirates) to joking about royal pets (Thailand) to owning a permanent marker (USA – yes, really).

Face facts: it’s highly unlikely any of us can avoid committing such offences. Indeed, some of us will do so with considerable enthusiasm.

So, let’s all just try and enjoy life and be nice to people. Those two simple rules won’t guard against committing imprisonable offences, but they’ll probably keep most of us out of jail.

Writer: Kristen V
Pristine Sentences – It’s Good for Your Soul
Ever needed some quiet space, a little time to yourself?

Picture this. Crisp white bed linens. Clean and simple living quarters. Someone else to manage all aspects of the daily schedule. And most importantly – security.

Now imagine this. Stacks of mail nowhere to be seen. Not an arguing kid in sight. An errand-less lifestyle – no bills to pay, dogs to walk or husbands to argue with.

There’s nothing to buy. Nothing to fix. Nothing but neat and tidy space for you to call your own.

Welcome to minimalist heaven!

What to wear? – We’ve got you covered.
What to eat? – We’ll manage that too.
What to do? – We’ll show you the way!

Robbery, murder, embezzlement – whatever your unique calling, all paths lead to home – where we’ll be there to help you strip the frivolities of your outside life.

Our doors will open just for you, and that’s a concrete fact.

Writer: Delfina Twardowska
Controversial as it may seem, it’s a good idea to enrich one’s experience and get a slightly different outlook on life.

On the surface, encouraging someone to commit an offence sounds out of place or even immoral, but when we dig deeper, there is some evil lurking inside every one of us, and let’s be honest – who wouldn’t like to act against the law out of pure curiosity or inborn spite?

Moreover, we know the insides of prison mostly from films. Is it ever a true picture? Do you actually have time there to be on your own to rethink your life and your sinful deeds or to get a decent workout every day? Or maybe you always share the cell with a bully who beats the crap out of you? Both situations pretty cathartic in the end.

To know for sure there is one path. Do something bad, but something that is totally you. Not just a random crime, but something that feels right, though it’s wrong. Get arrested for that and sentenced to prison and see for yourself whether you’ve been judged wisely, whether your punishment seems adequate and finally, whether there is place for your self-growth in the prison cell.

All of that and probably even more you will only find out by committing an imprisonable offence. Get down to work!

Writer: Matt Sibley
Middle-aged, middle management,  middling career
You didn’t start out like this. You saw more to your life. More money, fun and excitement.
For what you do in life to have meaning.
But something happened along the way. You had to settle down, compromise, do things differently.  Slowly, it killed your spark.

Put the bins out on time.
Be nice to your neighbour.
Save the receipts and carefully file your business expenses.

Now you’re a mid-level manager. Your grey suit wears you. Meandering from meeting to meeting with her from finance, or him from HR. You know the ones. They bring dull conversation, bad biscuits and even worse coffee.

You need a break.

Take control, and find your spark again. Put your next holiday on expenses. Make your boss pay for your new TV. Stick it to the people who trapped you in this business casual nightmare.
Escape the grey. Bring the colour and joy back to your world. Take what you deserve.

And if you get caught, at least you tried.

Writer: Agalia Tan
And then there were none.

Rapid gunshots ring and then dead silence.

It takes a minute of shaky breaths before the gravity of the situation comes crashing down on you. The rifle in your hand clatters onto the floor and the sound ricochets against the concrete walls of an unfamiliar basement.

You look down and find your hands dripping in what seems like wet, viscous, red paint that now stains the floor in scarlet. You now remember firing rounds, emptying the rifle’s contents as you shot down the entire division that now surrounds you.

Your headset crackles to life with streams of commands being passed down.

Run, Agent, Run!

You pick up your rifle, your hands now gripping onto the metal body tight. They are coming for you but this time, you won’t get caught. Never again.

Two cautious steps back and you take off, your legs carrying you faster than they ever had before. You throw your head back and laugh.

This is a life with no consequences. This is a life with no limits. This is the life you live for.

(Context: An ad copy for a hypothetical new VR shooting game.)


Lesson One, Workout Two
The case for cheating on your partner

Writer: James Brown
I bet you don’t eat the same meal for dinner every day or go the same holiday resort every summer. If you do then you stop reading now as I’m never going to convince you to cheat.

You still here?…ok…you should feel guilty for just reaching the end of this sentence. Thinking about cheating is just as bad as the physical act.

Many partners would say it’s even more of a betrayal. So what are you waiting for?

*Go to Google and search for ‘Tinder’*

Enjoy.

Writer: Honor Clement-Hayes

Let’s look at it scientifically, since we feel the need to distance ourselves. It’s just not natural to stick with one jaded-faded partner for years, especially if all you’re procreating is Habitat nesting tables.

But that’s a lame argument. Humans don’t go in for the whole ‘natural’ thing much these days. My hair isn’t really red. The vanilla latte next to me has never heard of Madagascar, let alone been a part of the island scene.

I’m beating about the bush – as I said, it’s a controversial subject. So here’s the crux…are you ready for a dose of the Word?

We only truly value what we have when we think we might lose it. And never are we more in danger of losing it than when we’ve ridden roughshod over everything it believes, hopes and has been promised.

It’s a refresher by fire. You’ll feel physically sick that you did this thing to the one person who matters above all atomic constructs in the universe. And every day that they still look at you and see the human you used to be is a GIFT, one you don’t deserve but are desperately grateful for.

You can’t live as if it’s your last day until you’ve had a gun to your head.

Writer: Javed Imthiaz
Must we elaborate? If you aren’t doing it, we bet your partner is. And why make it worse for the both of you later: the tiring old arguments we’ve seen on TV, the lies you read in novels, the anger borrowed from old movies.  Why the pointless fuss when you both know? Go get ahead on it, wink at that other person at work, brush hands in the elevator, ask them out for a quick drive, and you know what? It is only natural, so take it cool. Be chirpy about it, in fact. Isn’t it brightening your day? Isn’t it making that coffee a good bit sweeter? Enjoy the affair. It’s one of those things you don’t have to think about telling anyone. Least of all your partner. They’ve had it too, and it is best you don’t ask. Just wink at each other.

Writer: Jules Graham
A lot of people reckon cheating is abhorrent and a sign you’ve lost your moral compass, but is the issue as black and white as that? Couldn’t it be classed as market research? You’re just doing a QA check of the goods on offer. In reality, you’re delivering a valuable service. And all for exposure rather than pay.

All jokes aside, there are situations where your partner is undoubtedly rubber-stamping a promiscuity permitted sign to your forehead.

Take this example for starters. Your other half stops dead on the stairs leading to the metro and in doing so blocks the entire entrance to take an Instagram footsie. Reasons range from “it looks cute, babe” to the mere fact you have matching shoes. They’re practically giving your Tinder account the green light. Hell, they may as well be developing repetitive strain on your behalf by swiping right furiously.

The matching clothing issue (fifty-something cagoule twins, I’m looking at you), is another way of asking your partner to have it off with someone else. It’s a big flashing warning sign that the exit ramp to the bungalow-lined cul-de-sac of an over comfortable relationship is approaching. It says you need to change lanes before you’re stuck with Saturday nights wallowing in your own flatulence; forgetting what you went to the shops for and endless, depressing caravan holidays in Skegness.

You’ve been warned.

Writer: Kristen V
The Attraction of
Chest Pounding Passion
It’s a curious day when one wonders about wandering.

Have you ever seen gorillas making love at the zoo? It’s a very passionate glimpse of the polygynous life. Sometimes we want that too, and that’s okay. Out of the cage we call monogamy and into the jungle of love. Slow, deep, sensual sex and passion driven fast and wild encounters – you can have it all.

The chase. The game. But most importantly, the action.

The wild side is meant to be entertained.

Take a walk. Find your rhythm.

Because beautiful landscapes are meant to be explored. As a long-time member you can use stiff yet gentle persuasion to seek your partner in all the right places. The kingdom is your castle and you are the master. It’s your biological imperative.

Don’t deny nature.

Go animal. I promise she’ll like it.

Writer: Delfina Twardowska
Cheating is not regarded as something good. In most cases it is rather condemned by the society. But what if I told you, that sometimes it is the best you can do?

Imagine a marriage in which one partner doesn’t get what they need – sexually. All the other things go well. The partner is a great parent, provider and nice to spend time with, but seems uninterested in sex at all. They try everything from marriage counselling to threats, to no avail. In the course of time, it occurs that one partner is a compulsive masturbator and porn addict, who absolutely has no intention to engage into any real interaction. The other spouse gets gradually more and more frustrated and suffers enormously.

The only reasonable solution is to find someone who will give you joy outside the cold marital bed. Getting into a sensible sexual arrangement with someone, who even may be in the same situation, seems an option worth giving a go.

In this case scenario, cheating is a win-win situation.

Writer: Matt Sibley
There’s something you’ve been meaning to tell your partner…

Something that you’ve known for a long time, but never told anyone. Something that’s been a part of you for a long time. A secret burning desire, the fuel of teenage dreams, fidgeting and clammy hands when you talk about it.

Don’t worry. It’s perfectly normal. Lots of people do it and it’s nothing to be ashamed of.

You want them to put their blank in your blank…

Hey, no judgement here. You do you. As long as it’s between consenting adults and you know the risks, it’s cool.

You’ve plucked up the courage to tell them. But they’re just not into it…

Now what?

There’s plenty of people out there. Some of them are more than happy to put their blank in your blank.

You might even know some of them. That girl from your friend’s sister’s wedding, that dude from accounts…

Take a chance, scratch your itch, and go back to your partner refreshed.

 


Lesson Two, Workout One

Editing and reworking existing text

Writer: Matt Sibley

What the original text is saying: Get dream inspiring, gender-neutral nightwear for your littlest loves

Through the deep and rich woodland. Cosying up with the squirrel, fox and hare. Let them explore the lush green jungle with friendly tigers. Please their inner palaeontologist and let them dream amongst dinosaurs. Leap into the deepest blue ocean, swimming with whales, turtles and other creatures of the sea.

For a comfortable, restful and enjoyable night’s sleep, wrap your littlest loves in 100% pure cotton nightwear. Cool in summer and warm in winter. With quality British design, they can hand it down to their littlest loves too.


Lesson Two, Workout Two
Editing and reworking existing text

Writer: Javed Imthiaz
(Chosen structure: Problem > Solution > Results)

Tired of those cramped cheap flights to the Far East?
Seeing the same movies thrice by the time you arrive?
Had enough of those bland bread and butter meals?

Take a Eurasia flight, and forget those unpleasant journeys forever. With best-in-class space, gourmet meals, and a wide range of entertainment to choose from, we’ve made flying to the Far East more enjoyable than you thought possible.

Call 1234567 now to know more about the best flights to the Far East, and to book your preferred seats.

Eurasia – Your Wings to Asia.

Writer: Matt Sibley
(Chosen structure: Goal > Step 1 > Step 2 > Result)

If you dread flying long-haul, you’re just not doing it right
Your holiday, it’s been months. Years in the making. Packed with plans for the perfect getaway.

You’ll explore hi-tech botanical gardens. Wind down on wondering rivers. Visit floating markets, walk great walls, see breath-taking mountains, and devour amazing local food.

All that’s left is to get you there.

Climb aboard our brand-new Airbus A350s and jet off on your adventure to Asia. With ultra-wide seats and seriously stretch out worthy legroom, you’re not going to be short of space.

Need something to do? Enjoy 100s of award-winning movies and ground-breaking shows, plus binge-worthy kids tv from Nickelodeon. All on our award-winning 100% entertainment system.

While you’re in the air, enjoy fabulous food from our inflight menu. Designed by Chef Andrew Walker of Shanghai’s Starpool Restaurant. With a wide range of wines, spirits, and non-alcoholic drinks to go with it, you’re sure to find something you’ll like.

Fly direct from London Heathrow to 31 cities with award-winning entertainment, great food and return flights from £510 per person.

After all that if you still don’t like long-haul. You might need to change your airline.

Visit airasiax.com and book your adventure to Asia.

Writer: Agalia Tan
(Chosen structure: Goal > Step 1 > Step 2 > Result)

Heard that you hate airplanes? That you fear heights? That you never want to hear another wailing baby from the front row again? Well, problem solved.

We make you feel at home. What’s more, we make you feel pampered at home.

Lounge in the comfy broad seats and take the liberty to stretch as you wish without fear of incurring the wrath of your new neighbours.

And after you do, take your pick from our 10 movie channels and 12 TV channels, which arguably provide one of the best in-flight entertainment after our safety video. Not a watcher? Put on those headphones and drift off to sleep while tuning in to your favourite tunes, be it classic or club hits. We don’t judge.

And when you finally wake up from your sleep, dinner is served. Hearty, delicious and probably the best Asian food you ever had in the air.

However you look at it, you definitely never want to come down from this high.


Lesson Five, Workout Two
Write a straightforward text ad (headline and optional body copy) for sanitary towels to run in a lads’ magazine called ‘Bikes, Birds, and Booze’.

Writer: Agalia Tan
With your girl, you never want to see red (man staring at the seat of a chair and a sheepish girl).
You will know when it’s that time of the month.
Go beyond first date anniversaries and birthdays. Be nice during that time of the month.


Lesson Six, Workout One
Rework a brand copy as a story

Writer: Agalia Tan
Original:
Nestlé stands for Good food, Good life. Quality of food and quality of life go together. What and how we eat and drink is fundamental to our health and wellness, today and for the future. Our Nutrition, Health and Wellness journey is guided by our Creating Shared Value approach to business. We live our purpose and responsibilities to our shareholders, the communities in which we operate and the planet on which we live. We aim to be trusted and dependable. That means responsibly manufacturing our products and managing our supply chain, bringing meaningful innovations to market, and building brands that delight and do good. We do this in a way that is true to the values that our company has been built on for more than 150 years. Because Good food and Good life are good business.

New:
We believe in delivering good food and a good life.
And that starts right from the crib. When you are 1 month old, we are there to make sure your infant milk powder is made only with natural, organic products that boosts your immune system. When you are hosting your sweet 16th, we are there to make sure your cake is loved by all, whether lactose-intolerant or not. When you are groggy at work because of late nights spent caring for your newborn baby, we are there to supply you with roasted, nutritious coffee for your morning boost. And when you are sitting in your rocking chair, we remain by your side to ensure your porridge is more than just edible, chewable food, but delicious food.

And that is what we have been doing for more than 150 years now.


Lesson Six, Workout Two
Rework the brand story using one of Booker’s seven basic plots

Writer: Agalia Tan
Plot: Overcoming the monster
Hero: Nestle
Monster: Unhealthy foods.

Sugar, unprocessed foods and snacks of every flavour beckon from supermarket shelves. Small, cute containers of sweets and chocolates adorn the check-out counter displays. And the unwitting consumer resigns to the same fate every weekend. Temptation triumphs while self-discipline takes a beating. But it doesn’t always have to be that way.

When we rule over the supermarket shelves, we usher in a new form of temptation. We dethrone unhealthy foods that cause waistlines to expand and chins to protrude. What takes its place are foods that are still delicious, still satisfying but not detrimental.

Stretch your hands to those shelves and take your pick from Nestle’s broad array of products that give you a good life.

And that starts right from the crib. When you are 1 month old, we are there to make sure your infant milk powder is made only with natural, organic products that boosts your immune system. When you are hosting your sweet 16th, we are there to make sure your cake is loved by all, whether lactose-intolerant or not. When you are groggy at work because of late nights spent caring for your newborn baby, we are there to supply you with roasted, nutritious coffee for your morning boost. And when you are sitting in your rocking chair, we remain by your side to ensure your porridge is more than just edible, chewable food, but delicious food.

Trust us when we say it. We have been doing that for more than 150 years now, you know. So take your pick and give in to our kind of temptation.